look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
