I feel great
I just peed on a car
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
