bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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