my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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