don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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