Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize