Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
