Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
