If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
