non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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