I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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