i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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