I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
