All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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