just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
