I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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