yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
