theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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