a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize