well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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