So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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