I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize