So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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