She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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