Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
my liver is dry heaving
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize