Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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