you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
organizing the empties. That sober.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
