He disabled his match.com account in front of me
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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