she woke up with a sticky ear
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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