I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
