True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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