Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
