i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
