I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
