she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
