Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
