dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
