guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
