New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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