The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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