my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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