Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
