Banned from zoo.
Again?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
