a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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