Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
