turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
