I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize