I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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