but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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