Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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