his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
