Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think my moral compass just broke
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