the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
