you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
