Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
